What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 01:09
(And it was in our own minds.)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He knew the spot.
Do you think your landlord should have a key to your room?
My life is so biszare .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I couldn’t, believe it.
I think the readers, may guess!
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She wouldn,t have been !
She married twice! .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She found it foreign!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I dreamt my mother had died and I cried so much in my dream. What does it mean?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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This is soul school!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
All the time i was locked up.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I don,t even have a pension.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Have you ever witnessed a remote beach show where hundreds of turtles crawling to the water?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im still living with it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Comes on , in middle age.
I will be 64.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was scared of men, in general
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She loved him until the end.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We all went to grammer schools
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One cannot live in the past .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It was going to be , some day.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was in good health!
I have no regrets .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Ive learnt so much.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But, we were locked up after school.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When she asked me how she looked .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Was to survive, this bastard.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I said to her
But it wasn’t much.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was seconnd youngest,
Would this be the day?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was very sick at this time too.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And i lived it daily.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I waited trembling.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Who then, do I blame.?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My family never makes their pension either.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I could never make a relationship work though!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What did i know ?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why did i forgive my father ?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So whats the point in blame.
We were not on the streets..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was 9 years of age.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Put me off passion for life!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.